At the start of June, I had planned to seek new energy and organise myself for this post-COVID new normal. I didn’t set anything specific to achieve, but to have a forward plan of action at the end of the month.

Do I have a forward plan of action today? Nope. Not yet. So did I fail the goal of the month? I think not. Because as I went along, I realised I just needed deep rest, after 3-4 months of crisis survival mode. A hard stop. Thankfully I didn’t set out to achieve anything, otherwise it would have held me back from truly stopping. Even now, I feel like I’m not done with the rest. 

I should have known. It’s not the lack of plans or ideas that was holding me back. It was soul exhaustion. After pouring out my heart and soul into preparing for the birth of my child, and after that into making products for the covid crisis, my tank was empty. Drained and helplessly tired, on the inside. There just wasn’t adequate rejuvenation in between sprints. 

What I thought was confusion and frustration over an outward lack of progress, was probably my spirit refusing to act. No wonder I felt incongruent and misaligned the past month. The outer self kept trying to push forward, while the inner self kept holding back. In the tug of war between the unstoppable force and the immovable object, what happens? They surrender. I surrender.

Hence, active inaction. 

I’m still not completely immersed in deep rest, though. The past month there were moments of feeling like I’m sitting on my hands. I had false starts and re-stops. Moments where I needed to pull myself back down, from myself. But writing this out had been cathartic. And clarity-giving. 

June’s not all bad though. I had my 41st birthday. On the same day, the lockdown got lifted. And the best thing I did this month was clearing my desk.

Sometimes cleaning up one’s desk is all one can afford. But with active inaction, that’s a worthy ‘achievement’ anyhow.