I always looked forward to my year-end retreats here in Ubud, Bali. It’s like you hold your breath for the whole year, dive as deep and long as you can, and then come up for air in December. I can literally breathe better when I imagine myself taking off from the tarmac towards the famed Islands of the Gods. I really needed it, and wanted it. It’s no wonder then that I like creating a countdown timer for it every year. Something to look forward to, and the anticipation from watching the days go down brings me a sigh of relief. 

I used the past tense saying all that above because things seem somewhat different this time. For one, the need and want didn’t feel that strong during departure. I didn’t care to look at countdown timer as much. And arriving here…well, it feels more meh than usual. Which is unusual.

It’s a strange new awareness and feeling. But one that I think I can attribute to a few things I’d been doing the past 6 months:

Keeping monthly goals, doing monthly reviews

I used to do massive amounts of recap and reflection here because there’s a whole year backlog, but now that I’d been doing so every month, there’s no backlog, and I already have a clear idea of what my plans and goals are. So not as much to plan or review…

Working on stuff and living the life that I truly want

Since June, I’d been working on my own products. No consulting gigs since. Everyday, just my micro-habits system. Every month, my goals and learning experiments for the month. Just the indie maker lifestyle that I truly wanted. I have the time and autonomy to care for myself and my family. It’s enjoyable and deeply satisfying. Unlike in the past when the pace of life is one hectic project after another, working on other people’s problems instead of my own.

Having personal downtime throughout the year instead of one big dump at the end

The perks of this lifestyle is that I have the control over my own pace and time, hence it’s easier to lock in personal downtime on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. More psychological sunshine on a regular basis means I need a smaller dose of it at the end of the year. More rest and restoration in mind and body throughout the year, means I’m not crawling towards a desert oasis like a weathered-down man dying from thirst.

Just simply enjoying life more, back at home

I think all of the above, plus some nice changes in the family, just makes life that bit more enjoyable back home. It feels like a life I don’t really need retreats from. For now perhaps, I can’t say forever. Who knows. But there’s something right about the formula, from the past 6 months. 

Something I got to keep doing, in 2020 and the 2020s.

-–

[Update:]

A life I didn’t need to heal from

I’d been ruminating over this tiny epiphany and come to realise it wasn’t just about what I did right the past 6 months that contributed to feeling ‘meh’ here, in a place where I usually feel so at rest and at peace. It was also about what I did wrong in the past, and why I even came here in the first place. 

What I did wrong in the past:

Burnouts

I was always burning out year on year, project after project. Combination of many factors – self-induced anxiety to perform at my peak all the time, the stresses of being self-employed, bad clients, not working on my passion side projects, taking too little downtime, etc. So coming here was actually to heal from the year of beatings I took.

Chronic health ailments

From years of chronic stress came the chronic ailments, which became more serious in the past 3 years (which I am mostly clear of now, god bless!). When the health got worse, this was the only time and place where I feel I can truly heal and restore. That was why I mentioned in a previous post – “Ubud for restoration”. 

Retreat as therapy

And because of burnouts and chronic ailments, the reasons why I came here and the things I did were all about healing from the life I left temporarily in Singapore. Swimming in the sea was soothing and helped me relax. Taking walks in the green rice fields were grounding and helped me slow down. Eating well here calmed down my body, resulted in less cravings, and gave a corresponding sense of wellbeing for the few weeks I was here. Riding my scooter and going on adventures jolted my tired soul alive, and gave the inspiration I needed to feel whole again. Everything was for healing. 

With healing done, what’s Ubud for?

But now that I’m healed (mostly - it’s never completely finished) from the life changes I made back home, coming here and re-hashing the same routines and things that I did for healing back then, felt off. Because I no longer need it. The same expectations for how I experience this place no longer holds. In fact, I feel like I have a healthier routine back home!

What then, Ubud? What shall I do with you?